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Expression Within

“I am strong enough to kick the sh*t out of him.”

*A minute later*

“I fu*king miss him”

Damn! Hatred is an awful emotion within. A burden to carry and simply a curse you bring up for yourself. 

Hatred is a hard thing to walk around with. Despite the clock ticking with a warning, going against it was a regret. 
Loving him was a curse. 

What does one do when one feels this emotion? 

It surely makes no impact towards the person you carry this hatred for because they have moved on. Moved on with new stuff toy who fu*ks around just for sake of a little cash. 

We were together for 2 years, considerable period.

I still wonder if he still thinks about me.

If so, what does he think? 

Damn! Getting over that piece of shit is not as easy as having sex with a girl being straight. 

But surely progress comes naturally. I can go hours or even days without thinking of him (okay not days specifically). 

Carrying this burden I question myself if there were any happy moments with him?

And I get the same answer every time, surely we had. 

But does it really make any difference? Since everything is to the limit now. We are no more together. 

*Hard to accept*

Why was I such a fool to be influenced with the sweet little gestures he made? For sure I don’t believe his words now. 

Oh jerk! You are not more than a creep seeking for a fresh body. I no more trust you. I no more give a fu*k to the tenderness you showed. 

The love we had was not more than any of the fairytale I would fantasize about. 

I loved the way you made my heart flutter with ways. Was I a real fool to believe in you? 

I remember he would pull me to him and I would rest my head on his chest while a soothing music would go on a loop. 
The reflection of we two in the dark made by the TV and his presence; ghosh! 

If you were to see us, you would see nothing but two people, just the two of us in a different world with no worries. 

But now? All you get to see is a depressed ass loitering around for peace. 

Not making much of difference but he has polluted the beautiful bliss that we had or at least I had. 

At times his fingers playing a move, caressing my soul and making me feel out of the world hits my head. 

The fingers caressing my chin making a way to my hips and the tight hold grabbing me close to him with no gap would turn the fire on resulting into kisses, gentle one turning out into intense later on. 

The sense of him getting turned on made me hard to resist altering my mood and to not accept that I would not be a part of it. I loved his look when he was turned on; the innocence he carried. 

“Oh girl, your presence is the best thing ever and you being around is something when I am always turned on.” He said making a way out to the bedroom. 

The way he gazed into my eyes while we would make love seemed so pure. I could never drag myself out of his thoughts even if he was around. 

Now he has enlisted me to the list of ones where I was nothing but a stuff toy to please him. I wonder what was the gaze about if he had planned on kicking me out. 

Well I was a victim as per me but I consider it to be my foolishness to trust him, to give him all I could. 

But is this really an end? Am I not getting what I deserve? I am sure life is not that cruel not to give us what we deserve. 

With a belief in time, I am still waiting for the Mr. perfect to make an entry. 

But before that I have homework to complete; the first thing starts with getting over that creep which definitely will happen soon. 

Saail Pokhrel



























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