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Infection

‘I wanted a happy life.’

I first discovered my infection 3 years back. 
A happy child and a happy life. Jolly character and a blissful trait. 

Family of ‘four’ but I was alone. 
I did seek for attention but the unworthy attempt. Maybe my fate or simply the destined journey. 

Took a few years but the wait was worth. I could not get my Guardians back but had the courage to walk alone. 

Being a teen I did not give up. 
Few attempts of killing self but I was scared of dying. 

I could not gather the courage to jump off a ‘eight- storeyed’ building rather chose alternative to seek my mother’s attention. 

I failed. 

Nothing worked. Frustration had all of me. The path to follow was yet unveiled. 
People often try to get rid of their health issues.

My perception was different. 

‘Angelica, you’re suffering from sepsis.’

Damn, blood infection. 

It did not end with Sepsis. A new member was growing; ‘Hematemesis.’  

Was I supposed to fear my disease? 
Well, all I could think of was attention. 

Being a healthy child was never enough to get my family as ONE. 

Maybe the infection could contribute. 

Months passed but all I could see was myself being concerned that I would die soon. 

Any changes? 
Nope, the usual tantrums for being such a waste child. 

Every night used to be a curse, the silence had a venom in it. It often used to be like a slow poison taking a bit of my breathe. 

I did survive alone, I did fight. 

I wanted to prove myself but failure was on my nerves. 

Every morning I woke up with blood stains. 
Sleep was long gone. 

Being unconscious was the only rest time I ever used to get. 

A world of 7 billion of beings and I feel pity because there are Millions of Angelica’s around. 

I did not give up, I tried until my last breathe but I had to rest. 
Numerous efforts for seeking love had now just been an unfulfilled dream. 

I believe that my Mother had real tears. Maybe the love I wanted was somewhere seen at my funeral. 

Yet, I consider myself lucky to not struggle any longer with running alone to hospital late night being all covered in blood. 

The end was then knocked. 

SAAIL POKHREL

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